Suspect Charged In Monica Lewinsky Killing

Brandon MacTaggler Smith was formally charged with second-degree murder this morning, remanding him to custody for a bail hearing on Monday morning. Police say Smith, 43, was an ex-marine and a pot junkie. He would never have been caught had he not stopped both before and after the robbery that went bad for snacks.

Unfortunately, his need for his drug, they say, took him to the darkest place a person can go…the murder of another human being. In this case, that human being happens to be Monica Lewinsky, so federal investigators are said to be on their way to question Smith before he can be either paroled or logged into a general population where he can be executed if the wrong people wanted him harmed.

Freedom Crossroads Correspondent Louis Leweigh is on the scene where he said the mood seems almost too calm:

“Nobody here is talking about any kind of conspiracy or even considering the Smith could have been hired by the Clintons to get rid of their Lewinsky problems. They’re all talking like they have their man just because they arrested the guy who shot her.”

Roslindale Police Chief L. Scott Murray told one reporter to “fuck off” after being given the tough questions about Clinton:

“No, you idiot…I didn’t dodge a tough question, I told you we have a murder on video and a suspect in custody who has stalked Lewinky for 10 years. He has a shrine to her in his house. Pretty sure he’s not a big Bill Clinton fan, too, judging by the lifesize cutouts of him stapled to targets behind the suspect’s house. This is the guy you morons think took money to do him a favor? Fuck off.”

The Clintons weren’t available for comment but it looks like the liberal police chief has already made up his mind and gone with a wild theory rather than a much more believable truth: Hillary Clinton is responsible.