Nancy Pelosi Suffers Heart Attack On Way To Psych Ward, Admitted To ICU

After Nancy Pelosi suffered a psychotic break and had to be stretchered out of the Capitol this morning, she suffered a cardiac event that has her on a respirator in the ICU. Her doctor, Dr. Yakov Bernstein, says that after an extensive stay, a bypass and some healthier eating habits, Pelosi should make a full recovery.

An aide said the hardest part about helping Pelosi get back into shape physically after such a massive heart attack is that she’s also just been hauled off to the funny farm:

“It won’t be easy when you can’t convince someone that everthing you’re giving her to eat is a chicken McNugget. The last thing she said to me before they strapped her to the gurney was ‘love, child…love! The world of oysters is your on a half shell if you choose to slurp it!’ It was very odd.”

With Pelosi down and New Jersey still waiting to see who will replace recently assassinated Senator Hal Lindsay, the balance of power is leaning heavily to the right. President Trump, who is celebrating his birthday today, hasn’t tweeted any kind words for Nancy Pelosi because he’s a realist and she’s a “horrible old hag” as he likes to call her.

Next in line for Minority Leader would probably be Rep. John Lansdowne of Rhode Island. Pelosi’s office says they remain hopeful for a full recovery and return to work for Pelosi long before election time. In the meantime, California Governor Jerry Brown has appointed Elizabeth Banks to sit in Pelosi’s seat in absentia. It’s a volunteer position with a Gubernatorial decree that makes her votes while Pelosi is still technically in office legally binding.