Johnny Depp Renounces Allah On His Deathbed-Dies With Christ In His Heart

Johnny Depp may have redeemed himself in the name of the Lord when he denounced Allah and Mohammed and accepted the sacrament of communion, but to many of his fans and admirers of his work, it’s too little too late. It’s difficult to remember the man Johnny Depp was before he was brainwashed by ISIS into the monster he became.

“Johnny is with Jesus,” said Cardinal Odep Muldoon Hille, “He will walk hand in hand with joy and bask in the glory that is God forever.” That sounds like a much better deal than the 72 virgins he gave up, considering they never mention gender in those pagan voodoo books.

Now that Johnny Depp has died a righteous soul the feds can move on to the task of finding whatever mind control genius managed to infiltrate an American millionaire celebrity and turn him onto a deadly jihadist willing to risk it all.

President Trump said that he regrets the way it ended for Johnny but he’s glad he died with peace in his heart:

“It was a shame, you know? Captain Jack Sparrow! He was bigger than life. I met him once or twice. really nice guy. A little tough on the ladies.”

Amber Heard agrees. Her spokesman says she is “devastated” by the loss of Johnny Depp but she refuses to back down on her allegations.

Disney just canceled the final “Pirates” movie, that was was going to be called “Captain Jack Sparrow.” what a shame.